becoming the change

After one of my most emotionally challenging 

parenting days (to date),
(I did keep my cool except for a couple of raised voice moments)

there is a calm and a rebirth in the air.

This has been an emotionally charged summer surrounded by:

 change,

growth 

and 

new beginnings 

I have been charging ahead regardless
,sometimes by a thread,

trying to figure out how to make it through and

 with dignity for me and the boys.

Embracing these new people, my boys, with

an open mind and a patient heart has been hard.

Very hard.

They are becoming their own and finding their

own way.... without me.

I suppose these are the forks in the parenting road that prepare us for:

the eventual and the inevitable. 

I had no idea, well, I had an idea but did not know
it would be facing me so soon!


The boys have been battling more then ever.
The slightest thing can set them off and hands are flung
directly at one another with  screaming voices whirling all about!
I am not a fan.
I get frustrated, spout my threats of 
special privileges taken away and
just feel like hiding in a quiet room with lavender, music and
a good cup of tea.


Will we turn a corner after school starts and they
have a common bond of 7:55-2:30?
(and a possible bus ride home?)


I will say that after a day that, almost, Nothing went
right, today was like the clearing after a hurricane with bright
blue skies, a lovely breeze and a sense that everything
will
be 
alright.


The boys have played all day together with a certain 
understanding that they have each other
and the consequence of that not being the case 
is 
unbearable.


I am thinking about this last week of
diving boards 
and mornings of legos
and wondering how this
GIGANTIC transition next week
(Max going off to school for the first time ever)
will bring us new joy
and celebration
and peace.


Right now? I am savoring this day. 

Even when I am drowning in uncertainty and

frustrating 

I try to see it as an opportunity for learning.

What magnificent insight will be gained?

(a beer can help this process, but only one)

They are my little mirrors. 

Joy and pain, 

ugly and

beautiful.

The journey of a family.

by the way

By the way, 

You may have noticed that the boys hair is getting

longer

and 

longer 

and 

longer.

Max decided this year that he wanted

to donate

his 

hair

to

Locks of Love.

Rohan is following suit.

I think they look as

handsome as ever

and

as long as

they brush their

hair,

they can grow it to the ground.

I was reading a blog about 

donating hair

from

Twig and Toadstool

(Beautiful)

and thought I would share my story.

Even when my boys drive me crazy,

(which is a lot and everyday)

they make prouder then ever to be their Mom.

I am so glad they chose me.

magic in the sand and waves

I have been gone for a while.

Not just from the blog.

I was not one of those kids who grew up going to the beach.

I was lucky in many other ways... spending my summers in our 

Nations Capitol or in the mountains of NC and some

of the time traveling... like to England and, the best,

living in Nepal for a year. (life changing and altogether a 

different story).

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am still a kid when

I go to the beach. I want to throw all my stuff down

the minute I get there and go bounding off into the ocean.

It makes me giddy and elated to see the waves and to feel the sand

become my new pair of shoes for the week.

Topsail Island, NC is where we spent our week of family, fun,

waves, walks, cooking, eating, games playing and laughing.

(thank you so much Granddad and Grandma for this most memorable gift)

I was in a dream and it was real.

The proof is in the pictures.

Magic pure magic. 

The beach will always make me feel young and for 

that reason I will always only vacation there and never live there

for fear that the magic will be washed away.

Besides, I am a mountain girl at heart and always will be.

dreaming in n0tes

sometimes i just like to 

sit and listen to music.

i like to absorb the melody.

i want to bath in the words.

to be transformed, creating a sort of

visual art in my head,

my heart,

and my inspiration.

thanks music for all you do to make life:

 more.

(and thanks thunderstorms for making me more peaceful and the earth singing and dancing with each drop! Ahh.)

a thousand words

pictures say a thousand words. 

some are evident.

some take time.

some are imagined.

some are like stories from a distant land.

some bring us full circle.

some make new circles and paths for us to follow.

some inspire.

some weep with memories.

some smile so big it makes us want to shout

for what we don't know, out loud.

some stir our souls to breath a little deeper,

a little longer.

some question.

some demand.

some bore.

some want us now.

some make us salivate

and feel and desire.

some motivate.

some are fuzzy.

some need to age for a while until we understand.

some are keepers of dreams

some are unfinished and finished and full of life

some move you to be more

and do more

and live big

some just make you want to roll 

on the floor with tears of joy.

I think I blinked too long

A lot happens in a year.

In my quiet, Mommy moments, I am stunned, in a sad, 

nostalgic way,

at how much they change, Rohan and Max, 

almost daily.

They excite me, wow me, frustrate me to no end,

challenge me, demand of me,

love with no thought to 

conditions and with arms full of

forgiveness, when that is warranted.

I sometimes wonder if my parents had time to have these 

moments. They worked so many hours and 

had many more children.

Are these the luxuries and curses of

the part-time working momma?

I think it is just part of humanity.

Living in the quiet space with our thoughts.

I wish to love more wholly, to breath a little deeper,

to snuggle a little closer,

laugh a little louder,

for there will be another picture next year and 

the ones I see now will be gone.

Carpe Diem.

not exactly how I pictured it

I am not complaining. I have nothing to complain about.

I am a bit disappointed in myself 

and the vision I had of what this summer looked like.

I was sure I would be in the studio everyday working out new 

glazes and trying new clays, earthenware clays.

That has not happened.

Yet.

I get up, go for a run if Jay is not working early,

do some kind of reading, writing, math with the kids

do general cleaning, yard work, errands,

and we are off.... it seems like the day is like a torpedo.

Once we are launched we land at dinner time with tired,

pleasantly tired, bodies and the house all heated up to

a toasty 80 plus. Not conducive to productivity.

I lounge around after dinner and never recuperate.

I have one last thing to repair on the kiln. The sitter tube and rod need to be replaced in order to house the cone properly. It will bend and shut the kiln off too early because the rod is bent and not working properly.

I am planning to get a new one tomorrow and then the only excuses I will have 

will be lame

and 

stories.

It will be me and the clay and thats it.

Well,

we have been busy. 

After running, walking the dog and doing some

errands, we spent the day at the pool with a friend.

Afterwards we picked wine berries at her house,

a lot,

then we came home (5:00) 

and made lemonade berry slushies.

I made dinner, uploaded some photos,

got the boys to bathe (a rare occurrence)

and am now blogging 7:14)

I am hoping for an early bedtime for them.

(I am reading a great new book by Isabella Allende: 

Island Beneath the Sea. 

She is one of my favorite authors and I have been on

the waiting list at the library.

So far I love it.)

I need to make some concrete goals.

I am not a list maker. Never have been.

I am a dreamer though and sometimes my dreams

are wonderful and exciting and enduring.

I am ready to settle into a routine that includes my

basement studio.

Now I just have to do it.

Here are some images of our day.

We have a new diving board expert.

It took some serious bravery on his part but he is

"addicted" now!

How soon 'not now' becomes 'never' 

~ Martin Luther King Jr.

How true and scary and how motivating.

My you overcome a barrier today as I have plans to do myself.

Well, at least I have it in my plans for tomorrow.