for my sister Annie, Ann Mary, Ann: i love her so

I am sitting here listening to Simon and Garfunkel pandora station, thinking of you, Ann Mary.

Thinking of our growing together. 

Our moments of sisterhood.

My first memory is of 38th street, Washington D.C. summer on the front steps, drums in hand,

singing our song, we still know. Our audience having to listen over and over and paying to do so.

Then Cullowhee, N.C., blackberry picking for the day. Camping on the ridge, walking to town with Tom, our first real night staying up all night, even if unwillingly.

An airplane ride, a long airplane ride, collecting hard liquor bottles up and down the isles.

Then landing in, what has to be the hottest place I ever been at night. 2 a.m. and 103 degrees, 

Dehli, India~ before flying through the clouds or mountains, not knowing which is which, into our new home for the next year for me, two years for you: Kathmandu, Nepal.

Our year together in our bedroom with views of the tallest mountains in the world. 

Rickshaw riding, with you. (do you know that Bodeans song)

I loved Rickshaw riding with you. 

And our three day trek, just you and me, a Shirpa and porters. I was 11 and you were 8. Holy Cow. 

I loved being your big sister. 

I loved being there for you. 

You were so brave.

I have always thought so.

Back to D.C. with porches, books, jolly ranchers, pools and long walks, continuing our journey of sisters who do not always live together, and always excited to see each other again.

We grew up a lot... we are so different, yet have always been able to find ways to bring comfort to one another with our ways.

I miss hanging out with you Ann Mary.

You will always be Ann Mary to me ;o).

We missed you at the beach and this long viewing session is for you

so you might feel a little bit of what it was like. 

I found the magic this time thanks for encouraging me:

My big ass beautiful family:

my amazing dad

rick and gracie

my family

my sister Kathy, Big Tim, Little Tim and Matt

Mike, Angie, Zach, Ben and Claire

Tom, Maria, Rachel and John

The Crandalls Elizabeth, Steve, Emily, Charlotte, Margaret, Paul, Caroline, Mark,
Jon Michael, Andrew, Harriet and Audrey

April, Chris, Max and Dash

the siblings minus Ann Mary

our big ass beautiful family (37 in all)

the two Max's snuggling: buddies for life

max and Jay

Mom/Fran and I

sisters

sisters

the first of a new tradition: parents night out!!!

wasabi fun

my boys

Ann Mary, I can't wait to hang out with you at the wedding in September!!!

Then we will plan another sister get together. 

I need more Annie time.

I love you to the moon.

and it all began with a game of Ninja

So I am not great at packing 

and not stressing.

I try not to get all ADD while I am sorting

 and planning 

and puzzling all the bags 

and pillows 

and boogies boards 

into every inch of the van.

There is a magic to getting everything in the right place.

A deep satisfaction.

But while trying to breath this satisfaction into the van, the boys are doing their thing.

Some of these "things" I approve of, while others drive me to the infamous,

"Go. Out. Side. Now." saying.

Well, they are up to it again. A well planned and thought out game of 

Ninja

(the boys)

verses

The Stuffed Animals

For some reason they all had to wear hats.

Maybe they hid their weapons in there.

Who knows?

As I was reminding them, for the 50th time today, not to play in a certain room,

Rohan pipes up and says, so matter-of-factly, as Rohan does so well,

"STOP STRESSING OUT!!"

"It's kind of annoying!!"

"It is not KIND OF ANNOYING, It is ANNOYING!!"

Well, yes, Rohan it is. 

So there you have it. 

At least my kids are still super creative while I am off being 

SUPER ANNOYING!

My super hero name for the day.

I should get an award too.

It is a talent.

Tomorrow, though, I will be the Mom who the minute we get to the beach,

puts my suit on with them and runs straight to the water

screaming with glee.

I hope they rename me tomorrow.

But for today:

I am stressing out. 

Like it or Lump it.

:o)

the unbearable heaviness of moments

there are moments.

moments that creep up on you, engulf you, almost suffocate you.

unexplainable. pulsatingly real moments of clarity.

at least it feels like clarity, or a message from the future.

I am having one of those clear, aching, verge of  and spilling over tears moments. 

My moment involves my boys... and letting go. 

I think we have these moments because the thought of them not being in our lives, in our houses, everyday seems, well, quite unbearable.

I am having a preparing moment. Remembering to take time for the hugs and kisses that are always wanting to come my way (when many times I push them away with this and that I am doing of no particular importance)

Those kisses and hugs will be fewer and less and less and fewer and farther away, and I will long for these days of "I want you", "I need you".

So, we have these moments of unbearable sadness to prepare us for the inevitable. 

If you love someone,

set them free.

Damn, I love my boys.

And I will, eventually, set them free.

 But luckily, they are 6 and 9 and they actually still want to hang out with me, 

everyday.

dreaming in greens (with buckets of thanks)

This time of year always startles me. I feel like I have awoken from a hazy slumber to find everything green. I mean so green that the entire visual landscape has erupted and altered and created a new environment. It is as if I missed something altogether and the world changed without me.

A new, hot, energy comes alive and I am ready to adventure and explore with this altered bubbling spirit.

The fans are a whirring, the birds are enjoying conversations only they are privy to but seem to involve us anyway (at 5 a.m., 6 a.m. and any other time of day something important in going on in the trees), some animals scurry,others flop about in a lazy stupor. 

Sprinklers, balls, bikes, board games, picnics are abound, bathing suits become our skin.

Bare feet and half naked kids run rampant, like crazed maniacs,like caffeinated, chocolate infused maniacs, until, at last they fall over, unable to move except to view the glowing box filled with movies and endless crappy t.v. shows.

Did I mention popsicles. The thousands of frozen licks and slurps and drips that fill each day at about hot o'clock as we search for that perfect shady spot to lull in as we melt, together.

Afternoon thunder and hopeful rain might bring the slightest breeze which becomes a celebration and a renewed energy for the evening cards, walks, frisbee.

Summer. 

I am spoiled rotten. 

Thanks Jay for this time for me to be the best Mom I can and to give the boys the best childhood I could imagine for them.

(I wanted to give a special shout out to Max who donated 11 inches of his hair to Locks for Love, in memory of his cousin Isabel and for all our loved ones who have fought the big, evil, C.)

Patio Memories Rusted with Love

Short plastic chairs,

Old toys filled with sand and rain spattered dirt~

reminders of life 

and play

and exploration, 

of moving legs,

of negotiations and determination.

A patio:

Once a race track,

a drawing board,

an imaginary stage 

for shorter legs

and shorter arms

and a wondering of what is possible:

alone

or together.

Rusted wheels, 

dollar store toys for measuring, pouring, and moving

~sand or dirt~

Areas to engage and explore and become:

gardener

farmer

chef

racer

mom-pretender

dad-pretender

with:

keys

hats

cloaks

capes

and lots of boots

(the rubber, water proof variety)

moving around the yard, 

the patio,

and through life~

splashing color and love 

and creativity

and uncertainty  

but with a willingness to find out.

I wondered when I would miss those days 

so deep.

I long to rewind the tape,

pull the curtain closed and open it again to a day

5 years ago

when Rohan is 4

and Max is 1

and the world was

our 

Opportunity.

And we had each other and I was their everything.

Okay~ Now I know~ 

I would never have had time to write this

or to Remember it.

It sure does grab your heart 

(in that almost hurting way)

with thankfulness

and a knowing that: 

These too are memory making 

moments,

FULL

of Opportunity.

But I sure do miss those boots and the cute knees sticking out of the tops.

Happy Mother's Day to All you holders of Memories.

max

rohan

brother love

patio love

boots

Good Advice for Us All (via Ron Philbeck)

Good Advice for Us All

Thanks Ron. I needed that.

I'm here and feeling life's grace

Not much inspiration for blogging right now. I miss it but don't feel compelled to share any new information.

I am still working, moving, mothering, working, moving and mothering.

This weather is schizophrenic but I kind of like it like that. Soon we will be sweating and swimming and cooling ourselves in any section of shade that graces our path.

I am swimming more and running a little and working a lot.

I am thinking a lot about life and how fragile it is. My wonderful friend Barbara had a very painful weekend watching her mother's health decline rapidly and with grace, and a day with family, her mother moved on to the spirit world last night.
These are the moments when you are really in it. When life surrounds you, lashes at you, pounds you with sadness, some thoughts of peace, and with a clear understanding of how much we love the person and just how much we can LOVE. It brings what is actually important about life and relationships and smashes it in our faces. (whether we want it or are ready for it, or not.)
 I wish for her a generous time for grieving, as well as a feeling of being surrounded by love and moments of deep breaths, beautiful skies and joy.
 Barbara is a generous,  ever smiling, loving friend who is always there to listen with sincerity and willing to be there at a moments notice. I am sending her wings of love tonight and for a while, as she moves through this heart wrenching moment in life.


Carpe Diem. Indeed.