Sunday, April 25, 2010

thoughts on thinking and just thoughts

I was thinking about how kids are much more open to differences. 
Or do they just not know. 
Are they just living life as they see it. 
Are they just not gender driven as it was in the past.
( I wanted to be good at kick ball to prove girls could do anything boys could do)

Rohan has a pink water bottle for school. (he picked it out)
 Max's favorite color is purple.
They want to paint their room purple or rainbow colored.
Max's next bike (a speed bike, and a smidgen too big) is a "girl's" bike with flowers.
He said," I don't care. I like flowers."

Am I setting them up for some terrible riddling in high school or are they going to stand tall and say, "this is me, like it or lump it".
I hope for the later.

We talk about everything. 
When we play LIFE the game...and we get to the marriage part, they ask if I am going to marry a woman or a man. They make their decision, thoughtfully.
I love their minds. Their honesty, intentions (even when wild and unbridled), the way they call me out, 
every day. 
"I am not perfect.", 
I remind them over 
and over
 and over
 and then again, over. 

I too need to find places and ways to redirect my anger, frustration, and overwhelming feelings that life can present. 
They are my rock stars. They are my minister and counselor.
They forgive. Give hugs at the perfect moment. 
Share love at any moment, no thoughts... pure.
They show me life like it is and they inspire me to be a better person.
This is what makes being home, as job, important and a gift.
The payback has come already.

So when I am bagging groceries at 75 I will remember
and smile at whoever is buying groceries
 and hope they too have their payback already. 

Life is damn short.

Spring is so unbelievably beautiful.
Pollen can be so unbelievably challenging.
It has made this a magically challenging one.
Sleeplessness, tissues, tired, tired, tired...
so beautiful.
Sticky, gooey, fluffy, lacy beauty.
I have to blink (sometimes from allergies) 
to make sure it really is that amazing.

It is.

What keeps an artists spirit from creating?
Is is laziness, apathy, fear...?
I ask myself this daily.
I wonder about it in my windy soul.
I dream of the artist... the creator within.
Sometimes I think: I am not an artist otherwise I would be creating out
of a deep necessity for survival.

I have envy.
I celebrate friends who are making it, who live it, but
in a deep sad place, I am envious.
I wonder where my drive and passion is.
I wonder where it goes and when it will return.
For now I take moments.
I clean the studio.
I touch the clay.
I look.
Hey soul, I want desire back. I want my bubbling excitement to bubble over until I feel like I will explode.
Maybe we need to make a coffee date or a beer date and sit down and talk this thing over.
How about this Friday at 9:00 a.m.
I will be waiting.

We saw the Blue Ridge Roller Girls last night.
I usually do not go.
I take me time.
Last night we went and met friends.
I became an instant groupie and think in my past life I was a roller girl.
I have never been tough enough looking but inside...
watch out.
What would my name be?
I will have to get back to you about that.
It was fun.
Too fun.
Looking forward to the next match.
Let your wild out.
(insert howling sound here)

I realized I am getting older recently.
My mind forgets this.
Recent visits to the dermatologist confirmed the reality.
I have two carcinomas. Basal and Squamous.
Tomorrow is my first, very minor surgery.
Next Monday I have the other.
What I realized and am still mulling over, is that from now on
I will face a variety of health issues. 
Hopefully all small and manageable.
It was a wake up call that reaches the depth and questions time and space.
So here I go. Embracing my forties. 
How old do I feel?
Depends on the day.
I act like a three year old (in their not so perfect form)
and other times
I feel like a wise old soul.
Then other times I just feel the now.
No thoughts of time just of feeling good in this.

So far I feel better in my forties then I did in my thirties.
How about that! Cool.

Music is important in our families life.
None of us plays an instrument or are particularly musical, but
we love music.

I get a cheap thrill out of finding new children's music that both adults and kids can be juiced up about.

Here is the latest one I found at the library
(the library makes me excited EVERY time I go there. My blood pressure goes up and I have to pee. That is how excited I get. Not sure why but have always been that way ;o))

simply awesome.

If you would like to know more music we love.... just ask.
 I am thinking I will share an album or group every week or month.

It is dinner time and I am here, typing.
It is not like fall and winter when I long to cook, to warm the kitchen with
delicious smells.
I am thinking quesadilla's, black beans and cauliflower.

I am off.


  1. I love that Max wants a bike with flowers. That is awesome!
    I finally put you on my blog list so I could read what your up to besides just on facebook. Love your blog! Jen

  2. Great thinks and thoughts today Andrea, thanks for sharing. Of course, I think you are too hard on yourself. You are an amazing artist, mother, and person. Don't you forget it! I'll be thinking about you over the next couple of weeks while you get the surgery and recovery. Take care of yourself. Love you!

  3. I thought about why I feel comfortable with kids. They don't mind me. They are living themselves. It seems like, American children and Japanese children, both are in one same culture. Being be. I'm jealous to them.

    I'm looking forward to see your music recommendation. We need music!


Your words inspire me to do and be more. So do your thoughts but I just can't read them yet! ;)