the unbearable heaviness of moments

there are moments.

moments that creep up on you, engulf you, almost suffocate you.

unexplainable. pulsatingly real moments of clarity.

at least it feels like clarity, or a message from the future.

I am having one of those clear, aching, verge of  and spilling over tears moments. 

My moment involves my boys... and letting go. 

I think we have these moments because the thought of them not being in our lives, in our houses, everyday seems, well, quite unbearable.

I am having a preparing moment. Remembering to take time for the hugs and kisses that are always wanting to come my way (when many times I push them away with this and that I am doing of no particular importance)

Those kisses and hugs will be fewer and less and less and fewer and farther away, and I will long for these days of "I want you", "I need you".

So, we have these moments of unbearable sadness to prepare us for the inevitable. 

If you love someone,

set them free.

Damn, I love my boys.

And I will, eventually, set them free.

 But luckily, they are 6 and 9 and they actually still want to hang out with me, 

everyday.

dreaming in greens (with buckets of thanks)

This time of year always startles me. I feel like I have awoken from a hazy slumber to find everything green. I mean so green that the entire visual landscape has erupted and altered and created a new environment. It is as if I missed something altogether and the world changed without me.

A new, hot, energy comes alive and I am ready to adventure and explore with this altered bubbling spirit.

The fans are a whirring, the birds are enjoying conversations only they are privy to but seem to involve us anyway (at 5 a.m., 6 a.m. and any other time of day something important in going on in the trees), some animals scurry,others flop about in a lazy stupor. 

Sprinklers, balls, bikes, board games, picnics are abound, bathing suits become our skin.

Bare feet and half naked kids run rampant, like crazed maniacs,like caffeinated, chocolate infused maniacs, until, at last they fall over, unable to move except to view the glowing box filled with movies and endless crappy t.v. shows.

Did I mention popsicles. The thousands of frozen licks and slurps and drips that fill each day at about hot o'clock as we search for that perfect shady spot to lull in as we melt, together.

Afternoon thunder and hopeful rain might bring the slightest breeze which becomes a celebration and a renewed energy for the evening cards, walks, frisbee.

Summer. 

I am spoiled rotten. 

Thanks Jay for this time for me to be the best Mom I can and to give the boys the best childhood I could imagine for them.

(I wanted to give a special shout out to Max who donated 11 inches of his hair to Locks for Love, in memory of his cousin Isabel and for all our loved ones who have fought the big, evil, C.)

Patio Memories Rusted with Love

Short plastic chairs,

Old toys filled with sand and rain spattered dirt~

reminders of life 

and play

and exploration, 

of moving legs,

of negotiations and determination.

A patio:

Once a race track,

a drawing board,

an imaginary stage 

for shorter legs

and shorter arms

and a wondering of what is possible:

alone

or together.

Rusted wheels, 

dollar store toys for measuring, pouring, and moving

~sand or dirt~

Areas to engage and explore and become:

gardener

farmer

chef

racer

mom-pretender

dad-pretender

with:

keys

hats

cloaks

capes

and lots of boots

(the rubber, water proof variety)

moving around the yard, 

the patio,

and through life~

splashing color and love 

and creativity

and uncertainty  

but with a willingness to find out.

I wondered when I would miss those days 

so deep.

I long to rewind the tape,

pull the curtain closed and open it again to a day

5 years ago

when Rohan is 4

and Max is 1

and the world was

our 

Opportunity.

And we had each other and I was their everything.

Okay~ Now I know~ 

I would never have had time to write this

or to Remember it.

It sure does grab your heart 

(in that almost hurting way)

with thankfulness

and a knowing that: 

These too are memory making 

moments,

FULL

of Opportunity.

But I sure do miss those boots and the cute knees sticking out of the tops.

Happy Mother's Day to All you holders of Memories.

max

rohan

brother love

patio love

boots

Good Advice for Us All (via Ron Philbeck)

Good Advice for Us All

Thanks Ron. I needed that.

I'm here and feeling life's grace

Not much inspiration for blogging right now. I miss it but don't feel compelled to share any new information.

I am still working, moving, mothering, working, moving and mothering.

This weather is schizophrenic but I kind of like it like that. Soon we will be sweating and swimming and cooling ourselves in any section of shade that graces our path.

I am swimming more and running a little and working a lot.

I am thinking a lot about life and how fragile it is. My wonderful friend Barbara had a very painful weekend watching her mother's health decline rapidly and with grace, and a day with family, her mother moved on to the spirit world last night.
These are the moments when you are really in it. When life surrounds you, lashes at you, pounds you with sadness, some thoughts of peace, and with a clear understanding of how much we love the person and just how much we can LOVE. It brings what is actually important about life and relationships and smashes it in our faces. (whether we want it or are ready for it, or not.)
 I wish for her a generous time for grieving, as well as a feeling of being surrounded by love and moments of deep breaths, beautiful skies and joy.
 Barbara is a generous,  ever smiling, loving friend who is always there to listen with sincerity and willing to be there at a moments notice. I am sending her wings of love tonight and for a while, as she moves through this heart wrenching moment in life.


Carpe Diem. Indeed.

Rohan performs King Henry V for NC Stage Fundraiser

proud-filled weekend

Well, in this rough economy, our family actually has much to be thankful for.

Jay was promoted from assistant manager to manager this week.

He decided not to apply for this position because they would not be able to pay him what he wanted for the job.

Well after six months of applications, the company could not find who they were looking for. No one was right for the position so...

They offered Jay the job and at the exact amount he desired!!!!

I am very proud of the hard work, dedication, work ethics  and long hours he has put in to make our lives more full.

This reward is so deserved and will show off all of his leadership qualities.

He is going to be an awesome boss.

So... if you are in Asheville and need office supplies, Officemax on tunnel road will provide the best customer service there is!!!

Whoo Hoo Jay!!!!

Onto other boys in my life: 

As most of you know, Rohan is in an intensive acting class. This semester they are studying Shakespeare scenes. The class is memorizing six or more scenes and then "auditioning" for the scene.

Rohan has been working very hard, every day reading and memorizing these parts. There was one in particular he connected with.

King Henry V.

Today, during class, he asked his teacher if he could perform it.

He blew the teacher away.

He was given the part and asked to participate in a special

performance this Tuesday at noon at NC Stage.

I was so proud of that little booger for several reasons.

1. He has worked really hard, with little complaints, memorizing  all of these scenes the  last three weeks.

2. He was brave enough to ask to perform it in front of the class

(not typical Rohan behavior)

3. He got the scene he really wanted!!!!

I feel so excited for him.

Lastly, My buddy Max is really doing awesome this year in Kindergarten. He has never been to school before and is thriving. He is a strong reader, has a solid grasp on Math and is great at following the class rules.

He has made some serious leaps in his anger/control issues by setting up a schedule for himself for the day. So that he is in control and does not have to be "controlled". He is a determined, hard working six year old.

He begins soccer in a couple of weeks and has been practicing in side yard. ;O)

(his mama smiles big that he loves soccer, her favorite)

I am one lucky lady.

As for me.... I hurt my knee running last Monday and am trying to get it back in order. Swimming instead. 

I am trying to organize our stuff-filled house, a little at a time.

I am looking forward to more kiln tests and design exploration 

and I am just enjoying this mild weather in the basement.

The clay does not make my fingers feel like I have arthritis :0)

Much to feel joy about here on Annie street.

Cheers and clink!