innocence, power and perspective

I would much rather be me now, 

43, 

married with two children, 

then that 20 something year old who felt the world so hard and so deep.

I rarely miss being young and unencumbered. 

But I do miss the wild passion and the endless thoughts that swarmed my 

head.

I wrote two short quotes, way back then, that have stuck with me,

have stayed with me and are still me.

~ Be open to unthinkable wonders

~ The Spirit runs silently on

Although these have meant different things to me over the last 20 something years

they have continue to inspire me and make know that I am okay,

that I have a lot that is worthy inside of me and that celebrating that

is what makes me a better Human, better Mom, Friend, Wife, Alien (in case I ever get to travel out there in that magic).....

Somedays we just need to celebrate parts of ourselves, 

mostly because we don't want to 

but

really, truly 

need to.

hearts and me

Today is heart day. 

The kids made awesome valentines for their friends,

I bought the token small(est) Whitman's heart shaped boxes for my boys.

a  "special" beer, mint cookies and sourdough bread for my man

and in turn he gave me my best give ever... 

he bought art supplies in my name for kids who need them through

Oxfam.

I loved this gift so much. He thought about this and really showed me

how well he knows me.

In turn I realized this would be the best gift for my (other) MOM on her

most special birthday.... 75 years. 

 We love art. 

She taught me to love art 

and I could not think of a better gift to share with her.

Also for heart day Max's class were privileged to have an awesome

SURPRISE

Party.

While they were gone delivering Valentines to their newly adopted older adult friends...

some parents decorated the room and brought lots of special things in...

SURPRISE!

They really were surprised.

Rohan was so excited to have a party too... he said,

"Hey, would you rather get candy or no homework?"

His friend said no homework.

He said, "We got both!"

Oh Joy.

So that sums up our heart day. It was lovely.

(poor jay is working tonight so we will go out tomorrow night

to the new neighborhood restaurant: 

Walk.

We will walk there, of course.

Onto me... wallow, wallow~ 

I will start with the good and end with the good.

I ran today. It was beautiful. It sleeted for a while.

It was with a friend. 

Friends make running better. 

In between I will discuss my bleeping part of my day

and well, frankly, my life.

Those who know me well know I suffer from minor headaches.

So I spare you from reading this....

In my early twenties I began getting headaches regularly..

I call them sinus headaches.

They tend to be a dull but aching pressure on my forehead

and by my nose and sometimes behind my eyes and back of my head.

Okay so why am I talking about this now?

I have had these every day for at least 14 years.

I know.... why in the bleep have I not done anything before now?

Not sure.

I really do have them EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. 

Some days and weeks are harder then others.

But they do not go away. 

So, Just so you know, I am finally doing something about IT!

I officially do not have allergies,

I do not have a deviated septum or any other ENT issue,

so now I am on to the neurologist.

They certainly are not migraines, I function daily with these...

I am just finally tired of it and think that I just might end up a

better, funnier, and more exciting

 Mom, friend and wife 

if my head cleared up even for a few days a week.

(wink and smile)

This day, heart day, my headache left me feeling lonely for no reason.

It does this at times.

I guess lonely can come in many forms.

Headaches can deter me from doing things I  really want to do:

like studio, garden, play with kids, well, anything.

BUT....

Some times a phone call from a friend who is willing to listen to you grip and

moan and bitch...

makes you feel better 

makes feel like you are not crazy

and that 

this is an amazing and beautiful thing we are doing....

living.

I am looking forward to finding out what is causing my daily headaches but until then

I will try to keep my bitching down to a minimum. 

Happy Heart Day to you ALL 

And to ALL

a Good Night!

Like my brother-in-law David, I blame it on the moon

Sometimes we need no prompting to dwell on a subject.

Other times one word, a glance or a breeze can

bring on the flood.

I am consumed with parenting at this. moment.... or rather

what I am as a parent. 

What I am modeling, teaching and demanding as a parent.

Looking up some inspired quotes today, these spoke to me deepest, funniest, or

truest:

The trouble with learning to parent on the job is that your child is the teacher.  

~Robert Brault

If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent.  

~Bette Davis

Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.  ~Robert Fulghum 

The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.  ~Lane Olinghouse

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children. 

 One is roots. 

 The other is wings. 

 ~Hodding Carter, Jr.

The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children.  ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957

Do not ask that your kids live up to your expectations.  Let your kids be who they are, and your expectations will be in breathless pursuit.  

~Robert Brault

As I go about this day tasking  it away ,

It occurs to me that this life I have chosen,

 (some of us do choose our lives, some do not)

so complicated

and wordlessly beautiful,

has beings, two of them, growing up before my very eyes,

and counting on me to be what they need, 

which changes

virtually everyday.

Right Now I am working on being a role model,

 one that they can respect, admire 

and sometimes get pissed off at.

And I am going to the studio this afternoon

whether they like it or not.